Until very recently, there’s been a considerable length of time since any kind of official update or news announcement came from Crucial Blast, which is obvious to anyone who has followed the label, store, and my other associated projects in the past. Up to this point, I have not publicly discussed the situation that caused this "radio silence", and the only people that are fully aware of it are those in my immediate circles. But I feel that I owe everyone an explanation, as for all intents and purposes, it appeared that I had fallen off the face of the earth in 2017 and taken C-Blast with me.
I don't expect anyone to concern themselves with this information. I don’t expect anyone to read this. But some individuals have asked me what happened, so here it is.
What occurred was this: I had been trying to coordinate care for my elderly father for years, as he lived alone in a city eight hours away from me, and operated a business there. At the time, he was my only surviving parent, and was nearing 90 years old. I was already dealing with various challenges in regards to this, trying to oversee his safety and well-being remotely while also operating Crucial Blast as a label and store with its own various obligations and challenges; it should be no surprise that like most small independent labels, C-Blast is a one-man operation.
In 2017, my father’s health began to decline further and certain troubling issues regarding his safety required my attention. Then he suffered another heart attack, this one more severe than ever before, and my wife and I flew down to his location to see him and assess the situation. It became immediately apparent that my father required a level of care and specialized follow-up that he would not receive if he remained in his current location; my wife and I made the difficult decision to have him fly back with us to our home, and proceed from there.
In a short period of time, the situation declined to the point where I had to take on full-time, 24-7 care of my father, who by this point was suffering from assorted complications relating to congestive heart failure and vascular dementia, along with a host of other age-related health issues and additional disorders. I also had to become his POA. For reasons that are unimportant to this explanation, I was the sole family member engaging in his care and oversight. This, as you might imagine, made a difficult situation that much more complex and problematic. As I did my best to manage his declining physical health and all of the demands of living and caring for a parent with dementia in my home, there was the additional quandary of his still-operating business. This obviously needed to be resolved in some way, with the intention of shutting it down, but the process and details of that particular element of our situation developed into an extremely acrimonious problem, a rabbithole of issues and conflicts that I was entirely unprepared for, and which consumed as much of my time and effort as everything else going on. The accumulation of these problems and challenges took a gargantuan toll on me, in all regards: mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially.
While all of this was happening, I was also still attempting to operate Crucial Blast, manage orders, and do what I could, with as much as I could, with the shrinking personal resources left to me. But navigating all of the various issues was incredibly difficult for me. And despite what I thought were my best efforts, I fell out of touch with people, some orders were screwed up, and it became increasingly demanding for me to manage the typical day-to-day challenges and obligations behind running a business.
Circumstances inevitably led me to take over end-of-life care for my father, with new issues and new difficulties arising on a weekly basis. Endless nights spent in emergency rooms. Countless ambulance calls to my house. The duration of this full-time end-of-life care turned out to go on for much longer than we had anticipated. I did my best to provide my father with as much safety, care, and respect as I could, and this is where I finally came face to face with the ruinous nature of both the U.S. health care system and the field of elder care. For various reasons, there were very few resources available to us. I discovered the reality that, unless one is of great wealth and means, the health care system is an abject failure, and that there is no one out there to step in and assist an individual with the immense responsibilities and concerns of being a full-time caregiver and advocate to a parent with dementia and major health and mobility issues. The Medicare / Medicaid system was difficult to deal with, to say the least. I do not know how we could have managed my father's health issues if he had not been a veteran, and received health care from the VA system. And if it had not been for the Herculean efforts of my wife to assist me in everything, I do not think that I would have been able to get through this process.
At the very end of his life, I was dealing with Hospice, and I had managed to get him a higher level of care than I could provide in my home, through placement in the best Assisted Living facility we could manage. Again, there were numerous problems and logistical issues that I was battling on a daily basis. But I had a small degree of peace of mind knowing that he was in capable hands, that he wouldn't suffer some terrible accident in my home, and that I could visit him regularly.
The final weeks were very tough, very, very tough, but my father ultimately passed away peacefully in bed.
In the wake of this, I completely spiraled out. I was ruined. Years of mounting stress, exhaustion, self-loathing, and guilt had reached a terminal point. It was catastrophic. I had a complete and total nervous breakdown. I became completely dysfunctional as an adult, and sunk into a long and bottomless depression. I had constant, almost hourly panic attacks. I was incapable of communicating with anyone outside of my house. What had already been the most difficult period of my life shifted into what I can really only describe as a vast, black hole. With no hope of exit. This situation had devastated me and shattered me on every level. Additional issues arose, such as losing my day job due to the company permanently shutting down due to Covid. The stress of the concurrent lockdowns. An accident that left me with a broken leg and dislocated ankle, followed with six months of physical therapy and a permanent injury. This personal breakdown went on for some period of time, and it was only through the perseverance and persistence of my wife that I finally found my way into the mental health care system. That proved to be a nightmare of its own, but after months, years of effort, I made my way out and back to basic functionality. This in and of itself has been a long, arduous process that is still ongoing. But I found a way out, to a semblance of normalcy. I still currently cope with severe depression, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, but I cope.
This leads to now. I am deeply embarrassed and regretful that I allowed my various commitments with Crucial Blast to deteriorate over that period of time. The totality of this situation had all but destroyed Crucial Blast, an entity that I had been creating since 1999. But now that I am on the other side of this terrible experience, I am energized and enthusiastic to rebuild and correct, to make sure that all of my obligations are fully resolved. Because working with musicians that I admire, and talking and sharing music and art and literature that I am excited about, trying to expose people to art and ideas that strike a nerve in me, it is my favorite thing to engage with in this world, aside from family. In spite of the difficulties, and the problems, and the pitfalls. Over the past year and a half, I have been working hard to fully re-activate Crucial Blast in all of its forms, to respond to anyone and everyone that has contacted me for whatever reason, and to fulfill every promise that I have made over the years. I feel momentum. I feel motivation. And I have ideas spilling out of my head.
And I thank every single person, be it musicians, artists, customers, labels, distributors, friends, acquaintances, anyone and everyone that has been waiting on a response from me during this period of time for whatever reason, for their incredible patience. I am humbled by your patience. I appreciate it so much more than you can know.
And I'll be talking to you as soon as I possibly can.
I am hoping to announce some very exciting projects, reissues, and more from Crucial Blast in the coming months.
I know I am not alone in experiencing these intense pressures and predicaments. The entire elder-care system is a labyrinthine nightmare. And no one is sounding the alarm.
I have posted some important links below that helped me navigate my situation and find resources that I desperately needed. I share them here in case there is anyone out there experiencing a similar situation as mine.
- Adam Wright / CRUCIAL BLAST
(USA) SAMHSA CRISIS LIFELINE: www.samhsa.gov/suicide
(WORLD) IASP CRISIS SUPPORT: www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/
AGING CARE - CAREGIVER FORUM: www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum
U.S. GOVT SITE ON CAREGIVER RESOURCES: www.hhs.gov/aging/long-term-care/index.html
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